There is a particular pattern of feelings and behaviors that stem from the agony of the feeling; I am not wanted. From it stems inevitably, I am unlovable, I am unworthy of love. It doesn’t matter that as an adult we can look at the life circumstances of the relinquishing mother and understand and have compassion for her decision to put the child up for adoption. The child's experience is; she abandoned me, if I was loveable she would have stayed with me, loved me. I must be unworthy of love.
There are a series of behaviors that are the natural outcome of this understanding: I'll leave you before you leave me, love is pain, best to avoid it.
These core beliefs are made out of experiences in infancy, or even in utero, since the decision to adopt the baby out is commonly made before birth. The adopted adult looks back at life and that's just how it's always been. It doesn't look like there's any other possible reality.
Then there's the business of the adoptive family. The deep reasons for adopting, the hunger for a child, often stem from the tragedy of infertility. Without judgment, there's a high likelihood of a strong expectation upon the adopted child to fulfill the requirements of the adoptive parents, their passion to have an object for their love, the child-shaped hole they feel inside them.
Even wanted, naturally conceived children often feel unrecognised for who they truly are. Adopted children commonly have to try exceptionally hard to fit in to their parent's picture of the world, and without the advantage of common genetic vibration, the likelihood of failure, even when trying hard to be “good” is higher.
These circumstances give rise to beliefs like; I'm not enough, I'm unacceptable, it's no use trying because I can never succeed.
Every family is a little culture of it's own. It's challenging to get a good cross cultural fit. It's the subtle stuff of culture that is the most powerful stuff of the feeling of belonging, sense of humour, passion for particular aspects of life – sport, music, books, nature etc.
The healing of beliefs that stem from life's circumstances require a patient loving compassion for the child's feelings and tools to witness the feelings knowing that they are the results of past circumstances, not the truth about the person.