When couples that love each other fight, that's the love trying to open something up that's become shut down. That anger and frustration energy can be used positively for healing and reconnection.
Each person has to be willing to take responsibility for their own energy and feelings and take back to themselves what they are projecting onto their beloved. You can't have a loving connection from a disconnected part of yourself.
My role in counselling is to hold a neutral, judgement free ground and if necessary, show how to direct that passionate energy to where it is useful.
It is that simple. That doesn't necessarily mean easy. To take back projection i.e. to stop fighting, you have to realise and act from certain truths that blow certain romantic myths;
- e.g. it's not your partner's job to meet your needs. It's yours
- e.g. The majority of the pain you are feeling in the relationship started before you even met the person you're living with
- e.g. the more loved you are, the more likely you are to feel that pain, because love creates the possibility of healing.
True love, real intimacy, is a mirror that shows you to yourself. So the bits of ourselves that we hide or disguise and would rather not see are most likely to show up when we are loved and loving deeply.
I teach the ways to accept the gifts that intimacy brings.